Peace, peace, peace

This is for everyone that has been cornered to the point they had to question all they knew, all they are. 
How do I shed light on an experience if every moment, story actually requires being there? To feel it, to see it from all sides.

Have you ever known a sociopath? A narcissist? 
Well if you have, then you know that there is very different stories to an experience. Sociopaths can be beautifully cunning and charming, but sharp like a knife. Nice on the outside but behind clothes doors makes you fear for your life, your sanity. 

I was the volunteer coordinator for a disaster relief organization in the mountains of Nepal. As a woman, I believed this volunteer opportunity could change this guy. I believed in the good in him. 

Everything ended within a month of him arriving. Subtly he’d make me believe I was worth nothing. I was selfish because I spent too much time working. I was ruining his life. He physically pushed me because I had a relationship with someone before him. He told me I’d “wear the black cape” and began turning whoever he could against me, spreading rumors around our small remote base. 
I wrote this letter to the organization who did not support me during this time. I was ostracized and made to feel completely in the wrong. I was scared for my safety, having nightmares of him killing me. I wrote this letter in response to a call I had with a boss of mine. 
I have thought deeply about the advice I have been given with regards to my role and my performance. I am grateful for it and appreciate the truthful and honest place from which it was delivered. I can see the passion and dedication that you have for organization and I know that everything you said came from a place of deep care and compassion for the project. I too have this passion and dedication and feel it is important and necessary in moving forward to point out that we all show our love in different ways. For me, as a sensitive person who loves to connect deeply with people and support them in any way I can, my love and dedication is given through the energy I pour into listening, encouraging and connecting with the volunteers. I feel it was this ability to connect easily, and my genuine love and concern for people, amongst other qualities, that made me a chosen candidate for my position with you here in Nepal. I also feel that empathic qualities are invaluable, in every aspect of society, and are needed in this day and age more than ever before. All Hands volunteers have not only come to help, but also to escape from their societies where they are made to feel like nothing more than machines carrying out repetitive tasks that provide little meaning for them. They are here to reconnect with themselves as well as to give back. This work provides meaning and a sense of value and it is a truly beautiful thing. I too am here, not only to give as much of myself as I can to this organization, not only to carry out my difficult job to the best of my abilities, but also because of a calling from a deeper part of myself to be here at this moment in time. I’m trying to give this job all I have to give. I may not always succeed at every aspect of it, but every day I wake up and I try my hardest and I will continue to do so.

However, given the recent situation, I have to express how unsupported I have felt by staff and the organization. I have undoubtedly made mistakes that I am eager to learn from and grow from, but instead of feeling supported and guided to achieve my highest potential, I have been reprimanded and condemned and in a sense shamed. This is not conducive to a healthy and supportive environment which is what I thought this organization would provide to its staff members. I have been put on probation for not being a role model, for dealing with my personal life instead of having a single pointed focus on my job. I was asked “Do I even care about the school that we are building” which still shocks me. A better question might have been ‘How can we support you moving forward? The guy I was in a relationship with {named Jeff for story purposes} has been asked to move to a new base but has been promoted to team leader which is puzzling and concerning. I feel that given the circumstances Jeff should have been asked to leave within a day, rather than hanging around base for a couple of days. I expressed being afraid and this is the reason why I cannot coexist with him on our remote base. I feel completely isolated now and unsupported. I am made to feel that I am wrong in standing up for myself in this situation. Jeff has been telling volunteers of the situation and while he stays on base has made me feel very uncomfortable. I hope that moving forward a situation of abuse will be taken seriously in the future and that staff will be supported in the correct manner. Just as I endeavor to learn from my mistakes and grow from them, I hope that This organization can do the same.
I share this letter in hopes that in these difficult situations, when there is always two sides of a story, we’ll listen with our heart. We’ll stand strong and support one another through the tough and good times. 

I know I am not the only one who has experienced trauma in a relationship. May we share our experiences so others know they are not alone. 
“Traumatic Stressors challenge one’s knowledge of the self and/or world. Maimed or shattered beliefs create a state of psychological crisis until new paradigms can be adopted, for these are the basis of our psychological stability. 
There are four core assumptions fundamental to our belief in such invulnerability: 

1. (1) The world is benevolent or at least benign; 
(2) Life is meaningful; 
(3) We have control over our lives; and 
(4) Positive self-worth.

The experience of trauma makes one acutely aware that these assumptions are not true and thus one’s ability to act as if these basic assumptions about the world are valid; is lost. One can no longer believe that people are basically good and that good things happen to good people.”

Adapted from: Social Behaviour and Personality
These experiences can shake you to your core, that is why support from one another is vital. 

Words to leave you with:
Kindness. Tenderness. Trust. Sunset. Peace. Nature. Love. Journey. Elation. Chance. Bliss. Beauty. 

“Fluttering around in the dark, attracted by the light like a moth looking for warmth and closeness for love and friendship, a fire burning for all eternity.”

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